Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
