wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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