You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
