i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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