My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
