She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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