maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
