i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
