Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
