why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
