I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
