can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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