whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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