You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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