I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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