my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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