Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
