a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
BRING THE BAGELS
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?