I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
