Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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