U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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