I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
