I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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