Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
