i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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