Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm passing your future prison.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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