he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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