Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
