I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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