I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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