i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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