Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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