My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
