No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
