atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
