I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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