he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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