hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did i walk over a car last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
