i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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