and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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