i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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