some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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