I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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