I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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