batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
