I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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