This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
