Sry I called you an 8
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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