so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
