i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
