It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
