i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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