so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
