I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
