he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dick very happy bro
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
