OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
