i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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