so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
