Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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