My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize